STOP THE INSANITY - BALANCING THE VOICES

In my path to healing and wellness, I have had to pay attention to the many internal voices in my head (don’t call me crazy, you have them too). One of the most life-changing counseling sessions I ever had was when I learned about the Parent-Adult-Child model. In learning about this, however, I realized that if I was going to heal, there should also be a crucial fourth voice. I spent the next few years finding and developing this voice so I could finally "Stop the Insanity". (I know, none of you young ones will get that reference) 

Where to begin? I first had to start listening to what was actually being said (inside my head). Paying attention can be harder than it sounds. But once I got the hang of it, I started identifying who was saying what. For a while, I actually tried naming the voices to help sort out what was going on - always the organizer - even in the face of craziness. I started encouraging the Adult voice (the one who weighs pros and cons but isn’t judgmental) by taking the judgment away from my thoughts but exchanged it with an "it is what it is" attitude. I let the Adult voice respond to the Parent voice (the one that says all those harsh judgemental things). I had to curb the Child voice and its "I want it NOW" mantra (Of course, I called her Veruca Salt - again, if you don’t get the reference ... Google it!) and replaced it with a more patient, emotionally intelligent voice. I very consciously began cultivating the Nurturing Parent voice (the fourth voice!) - one of the voices I seldom heard from. As the Adult Wendy began to come through, I often found myself asking the question, "What would the Nurturer in me want in this situation". But I found the answer didn’t come easily.

So I began to visualize someone who I saw as a nurturing, calm, loving mother and I tried to emulate her. And I would think, “What would SHE want for me in this situation?” Eventually, I did develop a more calm, non-judgmental voice, a rational Wendy(?!). 

When these changes were happening I would often hear from close friends, "Wendy, what's happened to you? You would never have put up with that in the past." But I found that the voice I used on myself that was gentle and that gave me “grace” also slid into my thoughts when thinking of others. So although my inclination is to be judgmental, I have slowly developed a gentle, “give grace” side to my personality. When my loud, opinionated, critical voice raises her head I try to temper it with, "Yes, but..." and then think of something that is more kind. 

For example, this thought may or may not have run through my head recently . . ."That person is so unkind and awful. They treat people horribly." "Yes, but look at how hard they work. They give up every weekend to be in volunteer service. We all can be useful for what we have to offer and we have to overlook the negative and appreciate the good." One phrase I like to use is, "They are like onions, as we peel back the layers they make us cry, but onion’s are also good for you. Look at the big picture." (No. Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers.  Ok, don’t tell me you don’t get that reference! You must get that one!)

I find it interesting what a strong shift I have made over the past few years. I have always loved the Myers Briggs personality test. It was one of the first things that helped explain “me” and how I relate to others. It also helped me learn how to bridle my tongue and why not everyone valued my opinions as much as I did. One of the questions is, "Which is more valuable - Justice or Mercy?" I had always answered Justice. And when I looked at the test more recently I answered Mercy. Justice seems so one-sided, unless you're God making the judgment. But Mercy can be shown every day to everyone around us and is a two way street.

I think one of the experiences in my life that shifted this belief was a friend (we'll call her Jane) that had been partially responsible for the downfall of a young man. She couldn't look at or speak with the mother of this boy because she felt so responsible and guilt ridden. The mother suffers from depression and is known to be a critical and harsh woman. One evening Jane opened the door to find the boy’s mother on the other side and Jane burst out in tears. The mother hugged her and told her that she didn't blame her, it wasn't her fault and that she should forgive herself for what had happened. To this day it makes me cry thinking about what an amazing gift she gave to Jane. For all the harshness this mother had shown to some people and for all the judgmental things I have heard her say, I just remember the mercy she showed. 

So pay attention to those internal voices, listen to them, talk back to them, make sure the four voices balance each other out. If you hear too many “shoulds” or “stupids” or “worthless” or “but I deserve” - balance those out with self-care, self-love, emotional intelligence and mercy. We do not stop learning until that last breath. And, perhaps, even beyond that . . .